Why did I think this was a good idea, again?

I'm freaking out. I seriously don't think I can do this. I feel stupid now but I didn't even really consider what the weather was going to be like. There's a bit of sun now, which is fantastic, but it is the wet season. I knew there would be rain, but I didn't really consider what rain all the time was going to be like, especially with the whole lack of sunlight = depression thing. In the meeting today the leader guy (Jack) was going over the next four months and I just sort of sat there thinking "Oh dear god, why did I think I could do this?! Why did I think this was a good idea?! How can I get out of this? If I broke my leg or got bitten by something poisonous would they let me go home? There is no way I can handle four months of this." I'm feeling a little bit better now but I still feel a lot like panicking. Why didn't I just spend a little bit of time thinking about this, you know? I mean, I thought a lot about it but obviously not about the important parts.

Also this internet thing is freaking me out. After a month at home of being on the internet basically all day every day and now I can only be on for a half hour for free, an hour or two if I pay for it, and that is just at this hostel. I have no idea what it will be like at the homestay, and I know it will be less than that on the reef, and none at all in the rainforest, the aboriginal trip, or probably when we go up to the tablelands in a couple of days. I did this for a month over the summer, with no contact except letters and maybe maybe a phone call if I sat very still on a certain rock and for no more than a few minutes most of the time. But for some reason right now it seems unbearable. Not unbearable, just terrifying. I'm coming down from the initial panic. I wonder if this is a normal...

Just as I was typing that one of my roommates came in and told me she was feeling exactly the same way. At least I'm not alone, although I still feel stupid and really REALLY overwhelmed.

Good and bad news: we can go anywhere in Australia for our independent study project. Good in that if it seriously does rain for the next two months I can be somewhere sunny and not terrible for April and part of May. Bad in that I might once again be out on my own away from all the people I am going to get to know here which is a new and yet more terrifying situation. Good in that at the penguin place they said they had student jobs and internships and stuff. Maybe I could work with penguins! Or bats. Or...something in a not-rainy place.

Anyway, I am feeling a little better as I write this but I am still ridiculously homesick/schoolsick. So, if you are reading this (and I really have no idea how many of you do) could you maybe do me a favor and drop me an email or facebook message or...something? I don't care what it is or how long it is or anything, I just need some contact with friends and family so I don't implode. Please and thank you.

Love,

Karis